My D (decision) Day and My second consult

After initially finding the lump - going through the Mammogram, the Sonogram, the needle and tissue biopsies and follow up appointments to each - it had been almost two months.

All I knew was, I had Breast Cancer. Not the Breast Cancer type, not the stage the Cancer was in, what the treatment plan for me would be. And by now, the wait was making me crazy. How do you plan for this, was what I was thinking. This is a joke, was another. How do you move forward? It was like someone telling you, 'hey, we got some news back from the lab and, well, bad news for you, you're not looking too good and can die sooner', then has the audacity to tell you to make an appointment 4-6 weeks out to find out more and quickly leaves the room through an escape pod. What? Are they all crazy? Just reliving to tell this tale, makes me want to beat on something, hard... very hard, like the printer in that office movie. Screaming out loud in the middle of a field somewhere. Sadly, over this journey, I have Pink Sisters who have shared their stories with me. As you read this, you too may already know, this is often a very harsh but truism of the Cancer journey. The waiting time, referral processes and appointment availability so far out they almost loose all hope, that many, many, many have to endure.

So why was I feeling a bit lighter?

Dr. Kerlin.

She took that cloud from me.

I felt so much better after that first Surgical Consult. It was moving forward. Dr. Kerlin was not a book I read. She was interactive. She listened to me. She gave me answers. She corrected my incorrect thoughts that would lead me to long nights and wrong roads to go down. She made me listen and repeat to make sure I was learning and paying attention. She wanted me involved as much as I wanted her involvement.

On the way to the restaurant, I felt that I was finally on the path to help myself out of the rabbit hole and lead myself out of Caner-land and back to my own senses, on a ground I was more comfortable on.

As I said, I still didn't know after meeting her on that Valentine's Day all the answers about my Cancer, that all came after my lumpectomy and the pathology reports, but I knew one thing. I had made and accepted that this was happening to me and I made my decision to fight. My D Day. My choice. It was coming from me. Not a reaction to something like my fight or flight plan of before, where I was in shock so just moved into action. I had distinguished the two differences and knew now that this was a conscience choice to learn about what was happening to me. To allow me to make educated decisions, to discuss them with loved ones it effected, and to find out the latest on what I could do to fight for my life and gain more time with my loved ones.

Walking away from that consult I WAS beginning to create my medical team and what we had to do to SURVIVE this. It gave me my power back. To be in a drive position. That was a far better fit for me then to be in a defensive position not knowing what I was really defending for. I also hated the feeling of being a 'victim' and the , 'this happened to me' type talk. I don't go there. I don't think that way.

Further empowering me, I reflected on an email, that someone who I love very dearly told me when my journey began with Cancer. My Great Aunt Sis explained to me that I, I Lisa Marie, was Unique. That what everyone else had to say didn't matter. That I would find my truth by finding my medical team and they would come up with a unique solution that worked, for me.

I liked that. Yes, I am Unique.

Dr. Kerlin was Unique. I liked that too.

Lunch after the appointment wasn't gloomy, it was full of love and support and solidifying with close friends what I was about to embark on.

After going through the first appointment, the days leading into the second Surgical consult didn't seem as scary. In fact, I felt like I knew what to ask as I had more data about myself, where my lump was, the size of my lump, breasts in general and an idea from a Surgeon of how we could treat it. I almost canceled it to tell the truth. And, I will be on this blog to tell you what a mistake that would have been and that anyone in this position, should get a second opinion and here is why:

Canceling would leave that door open about the what if's. Can't live that way. I decided that I needed to know that I did my best, looked at multiple options and really thought about these decisions. So I kept it. I would urge anyone to do the same. Be your own advocate. Do not let something happen to you, do something out of what is happening to you.

My Mom went with me that day of the second consult. We amazingly found a spot up front by the doors in the pouring rain and couldn't believe our luck. er.. we both looked at each other.. maybe luck wasn't the word for the day. We counted before we left the car, on the count of three, and raced inside to the elevators.

We checked into the Surgeons office. Very different office from the last. Not that I am a connoisseur of Dr. offices, but... Yes, he was a man with more man magazines and Dr. Kerlin a woman, with angels and roses, so there was that whole feminine verses masculine vibe but, that wasn't the difference. The office, it wasn't calming. As we sat in the waiting room we could hear a man on the phone talking quite loudly. His door was not closed and he was on the phone discussing a patient with another health professional. I can't even tell you word for word what was being said or on what subject he was speaking but all I am left to share with you is an image of Mr. Slate. You know? Mr. Slate from the Flintstones? A overbearing guy, big lug type, with feet on desk, blow hard, on the phone about...who the hell knows what, just someone who wants you to over hear him having a good time and you knowing that he knows you know it - types. Got me?

Funny, I still don't know what he looks like and I let his name go out of my mind long ago.

So the appointment....

After I fill out the paperwork, I hand it back over the counter, along with my co-pay and my insurance card. The girls in the Surgeons office are nice enough. Another couple comes in. They are about 20+ years older than my Husband and I. I cant help but think if they are here for the same consult. And, I wonder, if they are wondering if I am here for the same thing too?

My name is called. I am asked to come into a waiting room. I am walking into the room as I watch the paper gown be placed on the exam table. When the nurse looks at my paperwork she picks it back up, opens a second cabinet, and pulls out another paper gown. She replaces it with the first one. Why? This one is pink.

'Isn't that nice?' my Mom asks as the nurse smiles and walks out to allow me privacy to change.

I wonder if she is serious. Isn't what nice? All the fucking Pink that everyone wants to cram down my throat? The Pink cards and the pink flowers and the pink of the pink that is pink that shadows all pink that will ever be a pink hue, FOREVER? Am I to own that all too? I am so aggravated now. I should have canceled.

I pick it up and put it on, I look at my Mom. She smiles. She knows how I feel.

I sit on the exam table and wait. Ha, something I am good at by week.. whatever the hell it was by this time.

The nurse walks back in and has some papers in her hand.

"You didn't sign this back piece. That states our offices will be doing the surgery."

"No I didn't." I say, explaining she is right. "I won't know that until after I met the Surgeon and understand what he would like to do. I was planning on going over that with him and then making my decision."

"Oh, okay, it will be just one more second."

At what point do I get to scream? I am over waiting and everyone acting as though the questions they ask me are like, 'can you please pass the salt?' That isn't a hard request, right? Can you please sit here scared and naked with Cancer while Dr. Blow-hard on the phone comes to exam you? Calmly? You? Wait? Thank you. I am interrupted of my one woman cancer-land show...The nurse is back.

"I am so sorry, this has never happened before but he is not going to see you today. He does not do consults or second opinions and is not willing to meet with you unless you agree that he is the surgeon."

What?!?!?!

My Mother stands up outraged. "We want our co-pay back" is all she can muster out. Yea Mom, that's it. We want our $20 admission back. Which I have to say, if you knew what my Mother was capable of mustering out, I am grateful for the co pay comment. I think this is light in comparison to past rants. The nurse offers more apologizes. You can tell she is embarrassed and in shock to what she has been asked to do. I can tell that they don't have many Breast Cancer Surgical consults. How could you? How can you in your right mind, ask a Women to sign a piece of paper, agreeing to cut open her breast without looking at her first?

As disgusted as I am with this turn of events. And disgusted is a word that I use that isn't four letters.... but ya know, honestly? I am actually fine with it. Ya know what? Yes, I was put off and outraged. In fact, I still am as I share this story with you. There are so many stories like this on my journey that this was just another notch of someone I passed on my journey. Yep. Passed.

I wanted to know if Dr. Kerlin was the one, I got my answer. Done.

"Let's go and enjoy this rainy day." I say as I dress and throw out that Pink gown. My Mom looks at me. Am I the one being serious now? Yes I am. I open the door and with my hand guide her forward, "With the fact that we choose a Surgeon and have a big piece of my team, and something big off my shoulders, let's go have lunch."

See? Again with the food. A continuing theme in my life. You will learn I am a Warrior, I am fiercely loyal, I love my husband, my family and solid friend-ships, and I WILL enjoy this life of mine and celebrate it to the fullest extent that I am capable of.

Yes, picking Dr. Kerlin was another rock off my shoulders in-deed. And next was the rest of my team.

:-) And now, a break from this story I share with you, to make my hubby dinner. It's our Hope-I-Versary after all. Happy 2/14/12 to you and yours. And a very Happy Hope-i-versary to my Husband of almost 15 years, xoxox I LOVE YOU MY CHEVRON! TOGETHER, WE LIVE OUT LOUD!

What happens after initial Diagnosis? The battle to want to fight occurs, and a Pink Warrior is born.

So there it was. The truth of the matter about my Breast Cancer, out in the open to my family and chosen friends on an email. Sent.

I had done what I could to move the ball forward in the direction of Surgical appointments. My needle biopsy came back Malignant. I was told I needed to consult a Surgeon of my choice and get consults on removal and stay focused on removing the Cancer and getting well.

I had one Surgical Consult appointment for Feb 14th and had another set for later that same week to meet a local, Surgeon, for a second opinion. I had a tissue biopsy for the following week in stone, just in case the Surgeons required it to move forward with the Surgery approval process. I had nothing left to do now but to sit and take in all that had happened.

Taking it all in also meant for me that part of excepting this reality was also excepting and realizing, I needed to take stock in my life during a trauma like this, and what happens next.

It was then, and still is, so hard to stay in the here and now of things when "that" is out there looming for you.. and by "that" I mean death.

I know that it is foolish to live this life and not think for a second it won't touch us all. It's bound to. Mortality. It's the cycle. I get that. I can rationalize and except that. It's so hard, the idea of it though. As the more 'alive' we become, at least for me, the more in-love you are with life it-self, and thus the harder it is to realize that someday, it will be over. And now, it has just become so 'in-your-face-real' for me. My odds have grown, over-night, to an unbelievably big, ginormous, number, that this is how it will be for me. Cancer ending my life.

It is no longer an "out there someday" kinda thought that I can push out to a safe distance in my mind, oh no, because you see, I don't know that to be a truth for me any longer. I loose. I am in the inner circle of that thought, trapped a bit. Whether I run far or not, it has a grip of me on the edge. A small part that will not ever be the same. It changes it all for me.

I must own that too.

What I resent most of all? How at one point, I freely thought to dream and now how this has all in some small way, limited me.

I can't ever let my mind go and think, "maybe, I will one of these days..", nope. You see for me, I go to that trailed off thought but it is always linked to that bricked wall, the end of the path where a big sign reads off that I might not be able to finish or complete any task I may set out to do. That there are promises, if made, I won't know if I can fully keep - I wonder to myself - even as friends now make plans, if I make new ones along side them - if I am an unknowing liar as I repeat the promise of 'yes'.

There is so much more to add here. So many more things to share about this dark place that exists for me. I think for anyone, really, who is truly facing mortality. The reality is that it all circles back to this thought: I choose not to stay in this dark place for too long.

It is a conscience choice I make when I catch myself in the dark thoughts. It is part of the battle.

I thought before Cancer entered my life in this way, that the 'battle' that was being referred to, was always referring to the fight to stay alive and to me that meant, taking the Cancer treatment(s) to battle the disease. You are battling Cancer by taking the treatments recommended by Doctors and Oncologists.

I now know that the real first battle, is the fight to even want to.

At the end of it all, I came to this, by way of reason. (By the way - I don't use that phrase, 'reason out', as a way to explain it away, but to honestly and logically look at my options. I am a person who plays the odds, I am a person who wants truth in her life, I am a person who wants to walk the walk she speaks. I am a fighter. I have faced other traumas in my life that I have survived. I am a survivor already. All of these things are my truths and facts for me.) I came to the following; It wouldn't matter what the issues were that I have faced in my lifetime, the trauma, the trials, or the highlights. I know that my life is not limited to those things I have or haven't done in my life. This is just how my song will go.

I must, now more then ever, take these words seriously to my heart: I will live my life with intention, I will live my life with truth, and I will live my life with a purpose behind it. I will do it on my terms, and I will, I WILL, LIVE MY LIFE OUT LOUD.

If a bed is in the end for me, then I will spend my days with intention and enjoy the days I have now and will leave that day, the one in bed, for when it comes. I do not need to lend it any energies now. It does me no good now. That Cancer doesn't get to get that from me. I will live out my life and continue my song, whatever it shall be. I will not be naive to what may come with Breast Cancer. I will prepare my last wishes so that I can be free. By doing this it will allow me to live freely and to live my life honestly by giving a loving act to my family. It will also allow me to know that it is not out there waiting for me. I took the power from it and gave it its due attention. It will lessen my load. I will work towards making my life simple and easy - so that at a moments notice, I can turn direction and have no loose strings (okay so maybe that part I am still slightly dreaming while awake but! I will make this a truth to live up to, none the less).

Most importantly, I will add things to my life that bring in richness and take-away things out of my life that bring me undue rest, no matter how hard or painful, or (insert word here) it may be. And, I will settle in for what lies ahead for me.

I will keep these promises to myself as sacred. I will strive to reach their heights and make myself land upon them. Like a Firework.

I am ready to be, a Pink Warrior, and on the other side of it, a SURVIVOR, once again.

My sword is drawn.




(My Warrior song during my fight - Song by Katy Perry; The song was written by Perry, Mikkel S. Eriksen, Tor Erik Hermansen, Sandy Wilhelm, Ester Dean, and produced by Stargate and Sandy VeeVideo found on You Tube - Official music video for Katy Perry's "Firework" off her album 'Teenage Dream'. Video Director: Dave Meyers, and Producers: Robert Bray & Danny Lockwood.) Lyrics to Firework: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, Drifting through the wind Wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards, One blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep? 6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there's still a chance for you 'Cause there's a spark in you You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July 'Cause baby you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe" You don't have to feel like a wasted space You're original, cannot be replaced If you only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow And when it's time, you'll know You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July 'Cause baby you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe" Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon It's always been inside of you, you, you And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough 'Cause baby you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe" Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon