What happens after initial Diagnosis? The battle to want to fight occurs, and a Pink Warrior is born.

So there it was. The truth of the matter about my Breast Cancer, out in the open to my family and chosen friends on an email. Sent.

I had done what I could to move the ball forward in the direction of Surgical appointments. My needle biopsy came back Malignant. I was told I needed to consult a Surgeon of my choice and get consults on removal and stay focused on removing the Cancer and getting well.

I had one Surgical Consult appointment for Feb 14th and had another set for later that same week to meet a local, Surgeon, for a second opinion. I had a tissue biopsy for the following week in stone, just in case the Surgeons required it to move forward with the Surgery approval process. I had nothing left to do now but to sit and take in all that had happened.

Taking it all in also meant for me that part of excepting this reality was also excepting and realizing, I needed to take stock in my life during a trauma like this, and what happens next.

It was then, and still is, so hard to stay in the here and now of things when "that" is out there looming for you.. and by "that" I mean death.

I know that it is foolish to live this life and not think for a second it won't touch us all. It's bound to. Mortality. It's the cycle. I get that. I can rationalize and except that. It's so hard, the idea of it though. As the more 'alive' we become, at least for me, the more in-love you are with life it-self, and thus the harder it is to realize that someday, it will be over. And now, it has just become so 'in-your-face-real' for me. My odds have grown, over-night, to an unbelievably big, ginormous, number, that this is how it will be for me. Cancer ending my life.

It is no longer an "out there someday" kinda thought that I can push out to a safe distance in my mind, oh no, because you see, I don't know that to be a truth for me any longer. I loose. I am in the inner circle of that thought, trapped a bit. Whether I run far or not, it has a grip of me on the edge. A small part that will not ever be the same. It changes it all for me.

I must own that too.

What I resent most of all? How at one point, I freely thought to dream and now how this has all in some small way, limited me.

I can't ever let my mind go and think, "maybe, I will one of these days..", nope. You see for me, I go to that trailed off thought but it is always linked to that bricked wall, the end of the path where a big sign reads off that I might not be able to finish or complete any task I may set out to do. That there are promises, if made, I won't know if I can fully keep - I wonder to myself - even as friends now make plans, if I make new ones along side them - if I am an unknowing liar as I repeat the promise of 'yes'.

There is so much more to add here. So many more things to share about this dark place that exists for me. I think for anyone, really, who is truly facing mortality. The reality is that it all circles back to this thought: I choose not to stay in this dark place for too long.

It is a conscience choice I make when I catch myself in the dark thoughts. It is part of the battle.

I thought before Cancer entered my life in this way, that the 'battle' that was being referred to, was always referring to the fight to stay alive and to me that meant, taking the Cancer treatment(s) to battle the disease. You are battling Cancer by taking the treatments recommended by Doctors and Oncologists.

I now know that the real first battle, is the fight to even want to.

At the end of it all, I came to this, by way of reason. (By the way - I don't use that phrase, 'reason out', as a way to explain it away, but to honestly and logically look at my options. I am a person who plays the odds, I am a person who wants truth in her life, I am a person who wants to walk the walk she speaks. I am a fighter. I have faced other traumas in my life that I have survived. I am a survivor already. All of these things are my truths and facts for me.) I came to the following; It wouldn't matter what the issues were that I have faced in my lifetime, the trauma, the trials, or the highlights. I know that my life is not limited to those things I have or haven't done in my life. This is just how my song will go.

I must, now more then ever, take these words seriously to my heart: I will live my life with intention, I will live my life with truth, and I will live my life with a purpose behind it. I will do it on my terms, and I will, I WILL, LIVE MY LIFE OUT LOUD.

If a bed is in the end for me, then I will spend my days with intention and enjoy the days I have now and will leave that day, the one in bed, for when it comes. I do not need to lend it any energies now. It does me no good now. That Cancer doesn't get to get that from me. I will live out my life and continue my song, whatever it shall be. I will not be naive to what may come with Breast Cancer. I will prepare my last wishes so that I can be free. By doing this it will allow me to live freely and to live my life honestly by giving a loving act to my family. It will also allow me to know that it is not out there waiting for me. I took the power from it and gave it its due attention. It will lessen my load. I will work towards making my life simple and easy - so that at a moments notice, I can turn direction and have no loose strings (okay so maybe that part I am still slightly dreaming while awake but! I will make this a truth to live up to, none the less).

Most importantly, I will add things to my life that bring in richness and take-away things out of my life that bring me undue rest, no matter how hard or painful, or (insert word here) it may be. And, I will settle in for what lies ahead for me.

I will keep these promises to myself as sacred. I will strive to reach their heights and make myself land upon them. Like a Firework.

I am ready to be, a Pink Warrior, and on the other side of it, a SURVIVOR, once again.

My sword is drawn.




(My Warrior song during my fight - Song by Katy Perry; The song was written by Perry, Mikkel S. Eriksen, Tor Erik Hermansen, Sandy Wilhelm, Ester Dean, and produced by Stargate and Sandy VeeVideo found on You Tube - Official music video for Katy Perry's "Firework" off her album 'Teenage Dream'. Video Director: Dave Meyers, and Producers: Robert Bray & Danny Lockwood.) Lyrics to Firework: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, Drifting through the wind Wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards, One blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep? 6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there's still a chance for you 'Cause there's a spark in you You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July 'Cause baby you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe" You don't have to feel like a wasted space You're original, cannot be replaced If you only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow And when it's time, you'll know You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July 'Cause baby you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe" Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon It's always been inside of you, you, you And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough 'Cause baby you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe" Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon