After initially finding the lump - going through the Mammogram, the Sonogram, the needle and tissue biopsies and follow up appointments to each - it had been almost two months.
All I knew was, I had Breast Cancer. Not the Breast Cancer type, not the stage the Cancer was in, what the treatment plan for me would be. And by now, the wait was making me crazy. How do you plan for this, was what I was thinking. This is a joke, was another. How do you move forward? It was like someone telling you, 'hey, we got some news back from the lab and, well, bad news for you, you're not looking too good and can die sooner', then has the audacity to tell you to make an appointment 4-6 weeks out to find out more and quickly leaves the room through an escape pod. What? Are they all crazy? Just reliving to tell this tale, makes me want to beat on something, hard... very hard, like the printer in that office movie. Screaming out loud in the middle of a field somewhere. Sadly, over this journey, I have Pink Sisters who have shared their stories with me. As you read this, you too may already know, this is often a very harsh but truism of the Cancer journey. The waiting time, referral processes and appointment availability so far out they almost loose all hope, that many, many, many have to endure.
So why was I feeling a bit lighter?
Dr. Kerlin.
She took that cloud from me.
I felt so much better after that first Surgical Consult. It was moving forward. Dr. Kerlin was not a book I read. She was interactive. She listened to me. She gave me answers. She corrected my incorrect thoughts that would lead me to long nights and wrong roads to go down. She made me listen and repeat to make sure I was learning and paying attention. She wanted me involved as much as I wanted her involvement.
On the way to the restaurant, I felt that I was finally on the path to help myself out of the rabbit hole and lead myself out of Caner-land and back to my own senses, on a ground I was more comfortable on.
As I said, I still didn't know after meeting her on that Valentine's Day all the answers about my Cancer, that all came after my lumpectomy and the pathology reports, but I knew one thing. I had made and accepted that this was happening to me and I made my decision to fight. My D Day. My choice. It was coming from me. Not a reaction to something like my fight or flight plan of before, where I was in shock so just moved into action. I had distinguished the two differences and knew now that this was a conscience choice to learn about what was happening to me. To allow me to make educated decisions, to discuss them with loved ones it effected, and to find out the latest on what I could do to fight for my life and gain more time with my loved ones.
Walking away from that consult I WAS beginning to create my medical team and what we had to do to SURVIVE this. It gave me my power back. To be in a drive position. That was a far better fit for me then to be in a defensive position not knowing what I was really defending for. I also hated the feeling of being a 'victim' and the , 'this happened to me' type talk. I don't go there. I don't think that way.
Further empowering me, I reflected on an email, that someone who I love very dearly told me when my journey began with Cancer. My Great Aunt Sis explained to me that I, I Lisa Marie, was Unique. That what everyone else had to say didn't matter. That I would find my truth by finding my medical team and they would come up with a unique solution that worked, for me.
I liked that. Yes, I am Unique.
Dr. Kerlin was Unique. I liked that too.
Lunch after the appointment wasn't gloomy, it was full of love and support and solidifying with close friends what I was about to embark on.
After going through the first appointment, the days leading into the second Surgical consult didn't seem as scary. In fact, I felt like I knew what to ask as I had more data about myself, where my lump was, the size of my lump, breasts in general and an idea from a Surgeon of how we could treat it. I almost canceled it to tell the truth. And, I will be on this blog to tell you what a mistake that would have been and that anyone in this position, should get a second opinion and here is why:
Canceling would leave that door open about the what if's. Can't live that way. I decided that I needed to know that I did my best, looked at multiple options and really thought about these decisions. So I kept it. I would urge anyone to do the same. Be your own advocate. Do not let something happen to you, do something out of what is happening to you.
My Mom went with me that day of the second consult. We amazingly found a spot up front by the doors in the pouring rain and couldn't believe our luck. er.. we both looked at each other.. maybe luck wasn't the word for the day. We counted before we left the car, on the count of three, and raced inside to the elevators.
We checked into the Surgeons office. Very different office from the last. Not that I am a connoisseur of Dr. offices, but... Yes, he was a man with more man magazines and Dr. Kerlin a woman, with angels and roses, so there was that whole feminine verses masculine vibe but, that wasn't the difference. The office, it wasn't calming. As we sat in the waiting room we could hear a man on the phone talking quite loudly. His door was not closed and he was on the phone discussing a patient with another health professional. I can't even tell you word for word what was being said or on what subject he was speaking but all I am left to share with you is an image of Mr. Slate. You know? Mr. Slate from the Flintstones? A overbearing guy, big lug type, with feet on desk, blow hard, on the phone about...who the hell knows what, just someone who wants you to over hear him having a good time and you knowing that he knows you know it - types. Got me?
Funny, I still don't know what he looks like and I let his name go out of my mind long ago.
So the appointment....
After I fill out the paperwork, I hand it back over the counter, along with my co-pay and my insurance card. The girls in the Surgeons office are nice enough. Another couple comes in. They are about 20+ years older than my Husband and I. I cant help but think if they are here for the same consult. And, I wonder, if they are wondering if I am here for the same thing too?
My name is called. I am asked to come into a waiting room. I am walking into the room as I watch the paper gown be placed on the exam table. When the nurse looks at my paperwork she picks it back up, opens a second cabinet, and pulls out another paper gown. She replaces it with the first one. Why? This one is pink.
'Isn't that nice?' my Mom asks as the nurse smiles and walks out to allow me privacy to change.
I wonder if she is serious. Isn't what nice? All the fucking Pink that everyone wants to cram down my throat? The Pink cards and the pink flowers and the pink of the pink that is pink that shadows all pink that will ever be a pink hue, FOREVER? Am I to own that all too? I am so aggravated now. I should have canceled.
I pick it up and put it on, I look at my Mom. She smiles. She knows how I feel.
I sit on the exam table and wait. Ha, something I am good at by week.. whatever the hell it was by this time.
The nurse walks back in and has some papers in her hand.
"You didn't sign this back piece. That states our offices will be doing the surgery."
"No I didn't." I say, explaining she is right. "I won't know that until after I met the Surgeon and understand what he would like to do. I was planning on going over that with him and then making my decision."
"Oh, okay, it will be just one more second."
At what point do I get to scream? I am over waiting and everyone acting as though the questions they ask me are like, 'can you please pass the salt?' That isn't a hard request, right? Can you please sit here scared and naked with Cancer while Dr. Blow-hard on the phone comes to exam you? Calmly? You? Wait? Thank you. I am interrupted of my one woman cancer-land show...The nurse is back.
"I am so sorry, this has never happened before but he is not going to see you today. He does not do consults or second opinions and is not willing to meet with you unless you agree that he is the surgeon."
What?!?!?!
My Mother stands up outraged. "We want our co-pay back" is all she can muster out. Yea Mom, that's it. We want our $20 admission back. Which I have to say, if you knew what my Mother was capable of mustering out, I am grateful for the co pay comment. I think this is light in comparison to past rants. The nurse offers more apologizes. You can tell she is embarrassed and in shock to what she has been asked to do. I can tell that they don't have many Breast Cancer Surgical consults. How could you? How can you in your right mind, ask a Women to sign a piece of paper, agreeing to cut open her breast without looking at her first?
As disgusted as I am with this turn of events. And disgusted is a word that I use that isn't four letters.... but ya know, honestly? I am actually fine with it. Ya know what? Yes, I was put off and outraged. In fact, I still am as I share this story with you. There are so many stories like this on my journey that this was just another notch of someone I passed on my journey. Yep. Passed.
I wanted to know if Dr. Kerlin was the one, I got my answer. Done.
"Let's go and enjoy this rainy day." I say as I dress and throw out that Pink gown. My Mom looks at me. Am I the one being serious now? Yes I am. I open the door and with my hand guide her forward, "With the fact that we choose a Surgeon and have a big piece of my team, and something big off my shoulders, let's go have lunch."
See? Again with the food. A continuing theme in my life. You will learn I am a Warrior, I am fiercely loyal, I love my husband, my family and solid friend-ships, and I WILL enjoy this life of mine and celebrate it to the fullest extent that I am capable of.
Yes, picking Dr. Kerlin was another rock off my shoulders in-deed. And next was the rest of my team.
:-) And now, a break from this story I share with you, to make my hubby dinner. It's our Hope-I-Versary after all. Happy 2/14/12 to you and yours. And a very Happy Hope-i-versary to my Husband of almost 15 years, xoxox I LOVE YOU MY CHEVRON! TOGETHER, WE LIVE OUT LOUD!
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