I found it myself.
The Lump. I found it myself.
It's usually the first question everyone asks me.
I was used to doing self breast exams. I learned them as a teenager. I would check monthly or, well, let's be honest, as I got older, it was when I remembered. But none the less, I had early knowledge of it, and did it.
I remember entering into my mid twenties and under so much stress before my Wedding at the age of 26. "What was that? was that something?" I asked myself during an exam. I felt something sharp? Of course I would. Ugh. Now that I am finally where I am in life, now this? ugh.
I made an emergency appointment.
I sat, frantic, in the darkly lite office. The retiring Doctor walked in. Felt up my left side where I felt a sharp pointy type pain.
"So you think this is Breast Cancer? This is not Breast Cancer. You can get dressed now. Come see me in my private office when you've dressed."
I entered and sat in front of his desk. Just like at the high school counselors office.
"Breast Cancer doesn't hurt you, you see? This could be from drinking too much caffeine. Watch it and if it changes, come back. Keep track of your Breast and how they behave."
Well it never changed. I got married (...and still am). I did not keep a journal. I did not have any family history with Breast Cancer so thought why should I? I just thought that being proactive was best. I changed Doctors and kept checking.
So why didn't I run at 39, when I found this last lump?
I had no alarms that went off like the first scare.
Not one bell.
As I said, I had no know history of Breast Cancer throughout my Mother's family. I was estranged from my Father and knew there had been grumblings on his side but nothing was confirmed and there was so much hearsay and after 30 years, estranged or not, I would have heard, right? And here I was, only 39. Getting ready to enter into a New Year, with my 40th, only 6 months away. I waited a few weeks to see if it changed. I was menstruating and had pulled my neck muscles doing some photography work (which was often for me those days with too much 'yes' work for Clients). But it didn't go away.. or did it? Did I rub it raw and now made an area that got hard and sore? I didn't want another false alarm. I called my husband, asked him what he thought. "Go see someone." okay I thought, I will....... so I set up my annual and went in. He went with me. We always took our annuals together. As I tended to make the appointments, had to set the reminders in his book, and usually coax him to keep it, it was just easier this way.
He was first. He had his blood pressure taken, talked about joints, turning 40, getting older, blah blah blah, need to loose weight, walk more, blah blah blah, take vitamin D if you're not in the sun too much. Okay my turn. Same line up except at the end I asked my husband if there was anything I forgot.
Oh yeah, that lump.
"Doctor, I have this lump right around this area.. where is it.. oh yeah here it is, feel it. Do you feel it? Right under my finger here, on my right side?"
"Yes, I do. No Breast Cancer on your Mother's side?"
"No"
"You're almost 40. Correct? (starts scribbling in my file...) it's time to get you a Mammogram."
Wait! This was not under-alert on my part, but... I was definitely starting to feel we were going down a path I was not wanting to go down...........
"Ummm...okay.... (more scribbling in my file)......this is preventative right?"
"Well let's just wait until we get the results back. How soon can go you? Can you go this week? How about today?"
"I can go right now." And off we went.
The imaging place where we went for the Mammogram was only a few blocks away. On the drive over my husband held my hand. " Are you going to be okay?" he asked. "I'm going to be fine, this is a Mammogram, thousands of these happen each year. I was bound to have this happen at some point, might as well be now. Let's get this done."
It was a windy day. We checked in and sat down. There was not too long of a wait. It was late January 2010. I was wearing my NFL Football team colors (Packer Fan tried and true here!) and heard a voice say over my shoulder, "So you think so, do you?" She was wearing her Steelers Jersey.
I knew I would like her. She was from Detroit. I am from Milwaukee. It's a Midwest thing.
I followed her into an imaging room and am ready to get naked as she tells me to slow it down. She wants to walk through the procedure. I just want this over with, I'm thinking, so let's get naked I thought, and let's do it already. I don't need to know much!
She talks awhile, I didn't hear too much of it. Time to undress. She puts me into position and she readies me for my first set of images.
"Just hug the machine and take a deep breath. When I tell you, DON'T MOVE. Okay now, breathe-in and hold it, hold it, hold it....now don't move. Good job Lisa."
She repositions me to the other side where the lump is for the next image. "Do you know why you were sent here today?"
"I found a lump."
"You found it?"
"Yes, I was examining myself, and found it. I think that on my Father's side there may have been some type of Cancer." I trail off, I don't know, we are estrange so....what now? Am I putting more truth behind the story that I don't know for sure.....I decide to just stop talking ....."What do you think? Do you see anything?"
"Lisa turn to the side for me, for one more picture with a different view. Can you move your arm around this machine like this and step on your tippey toes for me? That's right, just like that. Now hold it, hold it, hold it."
She leaves the room.
I just stand there on my toes lost in thought.
Shortly after she returns, "Lisa you can relax and get dressed now. Can you be back here at 2pm for a Sonogram? We have someone who canceled, and we can fit you in today."
I look at her. It isn't a long look. Maybe seconds but it is a look that covers every thought from; do you think I need to rush back today? or would sometime this week work? you know don't you? What is it you do you know? What does this mean? Why are you just looking at me? I hate your football team. Wait.... what did you say again?
I answer her. I walk out to the lobby and out the front door. No stopping. My husband follows me and opens the car door. "We need to be back at 2pm, okay?" I say to him and get into the car.
"Okay." He shuts my car door.
We are early for the 2pm appointment. I walk in and am asked to only disrobe from the top up. I am asked if I am comfortable, have I ever had a sonogram before, would I like the lights dimmed? I just stare at the tiles on the ceiling trying to keep calm.
If she takes longer then 15 minutes something is wrong I tell myself.
She goes over my breast with the Sonogram equipment. In several directions. It doesn't hurt. Just feels like a smooth metal object that won't massage with gooey gel that's cool.
She takes a few images with a digital computer and is done. I think we are close enough to the 15 minute time frame.
She then tells me she is an associate and wants to have her supervisor come in to look over her work. She leaves the room. Why a newbie I think to my self? Well at least I will have two eyes now looking at this and one is her manager with 20 years experience.
The clock ticks.
Her boss walks in. Introduces herself. I can't believe she is in her 50's, she looks so young to me.
She begins the Sonogram, again, from the beginning. Takes her own images. The same strokes. But she adds my armpit and my collar bone.
The clock is ticking......... she is going on about tattoos... tattoos? Yes, her son wants a tattoo. She wants to let him be, who he is gonna be, she's telling me. She doesn't want to talk about the extra testing I think... the extra time she is taking. What she found. The clock is ticking, it is now almost an hour and a half.
I remember to ask for a copy of all files as I leave the Imaging Center. I remember clearing out my girlfriend's Mom's files after she passed from Breast Cancer. So many xrays and documents... I think to myself, I need these files too. To start a baseline and to have my own personal copies of everything about my health surrounding this lump...in case..in case I were to need it.
"The results will be sent to your Doctor early next week, enjoy your weekend."
I make a follow up appointment with my GP. And the waiting begins.
